August 10, 2023

 

i crave

I yearn so badly for something i can't ever put words to

Maybe its contact. Humanity. Connections. Something, by god. I crave it so badly it feels like my insides are eating through my stomach. Eating through every part of me until theres nothing but a void left-- *still* hungry.

I don't know. I'm just feeling the lonliness again tonight... this happens sometimes. A lot. I've gotten better at suppressing it, but it sneaks up on me sometimes. The downside to not having very many friends, I suppose. Granted, I have a few online ones now but... I don't know.

I want to be close to somebody.

I hate being so reserved. Why can't I reach out to people? Why am I so afraid of being held? God, I want to be myself so badly. I'm so tired of performing. Why is it so hard not to...?

Well. I guess... the last time it didn't go very well. But this is something that's been going on longer, hasn't it?

I scheduled some time with an irl friend this weekend. I want to say I'm going to have a good time. That I won't pull my normal bullshit.

I'm an optimist I guess.

I was about to apologize for writing this but... well, this *is* my journal isn't it? I can put whatever I want here. I doubt anybody is looking. I have to put this here anyways, my past attempts to use journals never go past the first entry,,, i guess my brain writes better here.

God. I can't even write for myself without apologizing...

I'll get past this. I have before. I'll get past this I'll get past this I'll get past this.

I think. I'm going to go get a shower