December 1st, 2025

I need to stop having life realizations already, haha

No, for real though, um... I was having a conversation with my sister yesterday about repressed memories; all of us in the family have memories that we've repressed and I was explaining how that works and how utterly fascinating it is, as well as explaining how in me, that manifested in plurality, while in her it manifested in repression (as far as we know). Then, we started talking about what could *cause* that, and how we both have theories that something sexual might have happened to us at a young age, resulting in why all of us have had a weird relationship with sex/sexual fantasies (my asexuality and previous sexual fantasies, and her hypersexuality). Then... she mentioned something I had completely forgotten about.

I had a friend in middle school. She was bisexual and into me, everyone was aware of this; I broke off our friendship in seventh grade because she treated me poorly, the entire friendgroup did, but I continued to be in her vicinity until around Freshman/Sophmore year of highschool, as far as I can remember. I say that because I don't remember much about her- not as much as I thought I did. Especially since... Well. My sister informed me that she used to come to our house often, which I literally have no recollection of. Not only that- I apparently spent the night at her house once. I had literally no recollection of that at all. Apparently upon coming home the next day, all I said is that I was never going back, and then shortly after that, I broke off the friendship. I remember breaking off the friendship but... I literally have no recollection of that ever occuring. And there is a reason for that, Cas was literally fighting me on it trying to keep me from remembering. And... I really don't want to remember. Just the thought of something occuring there that I've forgotten is enough to terrify me... I had a panic attack on the phone about it.

I mean... a small positive is that I regressed last night? And it felt nice? Idk... I'm still upset about the memory, but the regression was nice. It's usually nice. Now, I'm at work the next day and just trying to distract myself, because my brain keeps trying to pick at this memory itch despite me actively not wanting to. Something something OCD symptoms- I just want to stop poking it. ...I say, actively talking about it here, but I don't know, maybe this will be good for a therapist someday. I just know that as of right now, I don't think I'm emotionally able to tackle it without in-person supports. This is giving me hella head pressure -_-

Haah... I guess this explains why I had a mini freak out internally over the name of one of my friend's OCs, yeah...? I thought I wasn't traumatized enough by a friendship I was emotionally neglected in for just her name to make me freak a bit, but maybe there is a reason. I don't know.

I think I'm just going to think about OCs today and try to focus on distracting myself so I don't pick at that memory scab anymore. I'm currently waiting for Sam to wake up so I can go flop pitifully at their feet and get some comfort haha.

"Putting it off until later". It's never failed me before, yeah?