January 28, 2024
mm... I feel pretty good tonight, actually. Or maybe its just an absence of negative feelings? Really, are my good moods caused by a lack of negative or an abundance of good? Oh damn, I don't want to get into philosophical stuff, haha
I had some goodies come in the mail for my collection today! They arrived two days early. Then, I did another watch party with Syd :] I think I'm getting better at talking with her. I was less quiet, more talkative in the chat. It didn't feel like an act either, I actually had stuff to say... that was nice. It made me feel good.
...Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't actually have too many negative feelings about this day- something that was learned. I used to resent it when I was back in middle school, but I think it was mostly because of having to watch my friends give each other stuff right in front of me and nothing for myself. That was never fun. Around high-school I got more indifferent towards it, since I got more comfortable with my sexualities by then. Do you remember when we got asked out by that girl 11th grade? English class, she bought us a rose and then sent me a letter in discord. I still feel bad about rejecting her.
...I tend to do that. To get scared and reject affection. Granted, I never particularly saw this friend in that way, so I guess I wasn't techinically 'running'. Then, at least.
I ran last year.
I'm sorry Carissa.
...But anyways! I'm going to be equally as indifferent this time, anyways. Though...
Well, I'm having a silly thought, is all. I think I got a little too close to a platonic friend. He probably doesn't even see me that way, I'm definitely just overcomplicating things. Still... there's a part of me that's kind of hoping that something happens this Valentine's Day. Maybe... maybe a question, or something...
I'm just getting my hopes up, and I need to calm down. I don't want to ruin this- god, I never want to ruin this. I care about her too much. I'll probably just get scared and run again if they even did, or I'd probably think of her as too platonic and not be able to perform well, or not be able to give her what he needs anyways, so...
Anyways, it's a silly thought. I'm only putting it here to get it off my chest. This Valentines Day I think I'm just going to rewatch Stampede and treat myself nicely. I'll do as I usually do, and spend the holiday loving myself. Though, it'd be nice to share the burden someday.
