April 1, 2024

 

So uh. I didn't just breeze past Valentine's Day.

mmmm YEAH okay I manned up and asked Eloise out. And by manned up, I mean she had to be the one to bring it up in conversation (asked about my status) and I accidentally stumbled head first into asking them out. I didn't mean to! But I was also hoping it would happen! AHG it's complicated... Regardless, I finally did something selfish and asked him out. I can't believed I pined for fucking *months*!

...And I still haven't gotten an answer.

Am I allowed to be a little sad because of that? It's for completely fair reasons, I know exactly why it's taking them a while and I don't want to push them at all. They can take all the time he needs. I just... also am left waiting in the meantime, which makes me antsy. Granted, my main concern isn't "will she reject me" and is moreso "can we please keep talking and being friends despite the answer", y'know? I'm afraid of losing him more than anything...

Sigh... In the meantime, I'll just keep making lists of everything I like about him. I could fill a novel, really.

Some other interesting things happened: I went to my very first con in March! Remember last year when I was sad I wouldn't get to meet an certain voice actor at ComicCon in our own state? Well, I got to meet him finally! I got me and Eloise a signature, hehe! I also met with a big group of online friends, and honestly I think that is the coolest thing I've ever done. I've never driven that long to a place, or gotten a hotel, or met up with online friends... there were so many firsts, and I really felt like an adult. Also... I just got to be *me* for once, or at least as close as I could be. I mask so much its hard to tell, but there, I really got to be... Nicholas. My pronouns were (mostly) respected. My preferred name was used. I didn't have to be terrified of being "found out". It just felt so cathartic, and it was the first true break I've had since last year, and...

I miss it a lot.

I'm gonna try it again next year with the same group. I had a silly thought about it, actually: what if I drag Eloise with us? The issue is that plane tickets cost so much... I would pay for his ticket, hotel, and anything he wanted here, just so I could see them. I kept thinking about that yesterday: picking her up from the airport and spinning them around. Hugging them so tight they wheezed. In the meantime, I guess I'll just be trying to convince my family to visit their country for vacation...

...Oh! Right, right, I started going by Nicholas. Remember? I've always loved that name... Everytime I've heard it I've been envious, and now that I'm more comfortable with my gender, I finally wanted to make that leap and start using it. I haven't regretted it at all- I've never felt so warm whenever I'm called "Nick" or "Nico". It feels so good, I'm so happy I've started getting better at expressing my wants, and even my thoughts, too.

There's still some things to improve on: my anxiety has been kicking my ass recently. I think... I think I just get so convinced that I'm bothering people. No, no, it's more than that: there's one server in particular where I go to type, before I stop myself. And I convince myself that no, I only talk to like 4 or 5 people in there: nobody else cares about what I have to say. Why should I bother saying anything? And, by that logic, why join VCs? Why ever be active in there? Nobody gives a shit. ...And then I spiral and get so nauseous I can't even open other people's dms.

...Is it bad to need reassurance sometimes?

I don't want to be one of those people who constantly need it, to the point that I'm making others feel bad. But, maybe just once it would be nice to be told "i like talking to you" when I need it. Other's have told me that before... Eloise has told me that, directly and indirectly. Nova told me that, too. With them, it's easier, and I feel less anxious talking to them as a result (well. Eloise I'm anxious about for other reasons, moreso in the "am I deserving of talking to you?" region (which, yes I am, stop it brain)). Maybe my next step should be talking to some of the people in there more? Asking for reassurance? Or maybe I should just go mute the server again and disappear for a while...

Ack, I need to work on my coping skills again.

Anyways, thank you for listening, as always. I love you. Can you believe that this time last year I started this journal? I've actually committed to writing in it- something I've never done. It unnerves me a bit to think that others are reading this, but I can't exactly bring myself to write elsewhere, and writing it physically means someone irl can find it, and that's not allowed to happen. I guess... if you're a stranger and you're reading this, hello? Hope you're enjoying these glimpses into my life. I love you too.