January 19, 2024

 

Hi ^-^ it's been a little while

College was a bitch, December was a blur, and the new year passed. I got so distracted with servers and such that I forgot about this little space for a bit. I read through all of the entries tonight though.

Life has been a bit hectic. I went through a bunch of stress through the last few months due to school, but I finished up my first ever semester of college. I can hang that on my wall of achievements, hehe (I should make that actually...). I made a mountain of new friends, too! They're all online, via Trigun. That's... fascinating to me. As far as I've come from my self-worth issues, it's still wild to me sometimes that people want to talk to me. I was specifically requested to join a friend server because the people there liked me and wanted to talk more... which was very surprising to me. I dragged Eloise onto the big server (the VN server), too, for fun. I wanted my friends to meet (and tbh it was an excuse to talk to him more. I find myself looking for excuses to do that a lot these days).

Anyways, I joined like 4 other servers because of that server too, and have been busy with that. I even ran a Secret Santa event in December! And I'm currently running a zine (I think. There's some drama going down right now, I'll see where that goes).

...There's voice auditions for a Meryl role that's going to be due in two days from today. I wanted to do it, I even practiced for it. But... well, it's a mix of being nervous, and just acknowledging that my voice didn't fit very well. Not that I suck at this or anything! I just don't think my voice fit what was being asked for, is all. I'll live (and the experience was good practice anyways). I'm cheering on the friends who go for it.

... I'm thinking a lot about my friends tonight. I've met so many amazing people since September, and I cherish them all dearly. More than they'll ever know. And... well, despite that, I still find myself thinking of Eloise. Is that weird? Maybe it's because we've talked nearly daily for half a year now. But I keep finding myself being like "Oh, what if I invited them to this server?" or "Oh man they would love this post!". Mm. I guess it's just been a long time since I've... really had a friend I could send stuff and converse with. She even let me vent to her tonight, which was the first time I've vented to non-family in....

I can't remember. Years?

Man...

One day I'm getting on a plane and giving him a massive hug I stg.

Anyways. Didn't mean to rant about them sdfjdskl

I was trying to give an update and instead I rambled about my loves. Oh well. Anyways- I started college back, which is meh. I want to create, not do school work. At least my first class is interesting so far... I love learning about Psychology, so that's a win. I need to finish up some work for it tomorrow, actually. I think I'm gonna rewatch Stampede and do some character writing instead though, lol.

Oh! Speaking of writing- Trigun Ace Week happened! I wrote a little drabble I don't plan on putting anywhere's so I figure I'll put it here. This week also introduced me to a new term: greysexual and greyromantic. While I still identify as ace, I think I'm going to shift 'aromantic' to 'greyromantic', just until I get this whole romance thing figured out (shakes fist). Anywho, love you Nicholas, and I hope the coming days are kind to you

   

......

   

Draft incoming!! Lol. I didn't finish this, and it was sooo self indulgent lol. It's also not refined, so ignore typos/repeating words! Oh and trigger warning for two characters nearly pressuring themselves into sex that they don't want (but nothing happens!! they talk it out). Here you go:

       

Warmth.

That was one of the things that stuck out, at the moment. Warmth was such a simple thing, familiar to anyone who inhabited a dessert- but there was something different about the warmth of vicious suns than that of a human body. The far away warmth supplied by (beings) far away from the planet, versus the intimate warmth a human hand against skin.

It was a comfort, right now. Not much of one, of course, but one none the less.

Vash's hand was warm- hand, singular, as the other wasn't exactly *cold*, but room-temperature, the smooth metallic feel of it different to the rough, callused yet soft skin of his flesh hand. They traveled over Nicholas's skin, slender fingers raising goosebumps along a trail up his sides, searching things.

His hands weren't the entire issue.

Nicholas shuddered against the lips pressed against his, against that gentle touch. His body squirmed just a bit beneath it, but he didn't tug away, not yet. He had resolved to not shy away from this, to stop being a baby and to go through with it. It was bad form to tease for too long, right?

So he let out a shaky exhale against those soft lips, and willed himself to not pull away.

Soft kisses trailed over his cheek, down his chin, easing further down. Down, down, down, where his hands were going... where they rested on his hips. Vash whispered something to him then, something Nicholas didn't have it in himself to focus on. No- how was he expected to focus on that when his eyes had finally focused on their lower halves?

His eyes traced down Vash's navel, down to his lower region... they traced over the blonde hair there, the sight of his lips there, positioned over Nicholas's legs, ready to... to...

He felt his breath growing shakier, something in the back of his mind stirring. Some kind of tar, almost a sickening feeling, like his brain had consumed something nauseating. It was a slow building thing, slowly spreading over the back of his skull, making his throat burn, a feeling that only increased as his eyes remained on the sight, on the way Vash's hand was easing open Nicholas's thighs, getting ready.

Nicholas breathed. He *breathed*, and tried to will back the nausea. He could do this. This is was they were supposed to be doing, right? It was normal, it was *natural*, nothing to be scared of. Nothing to be *sick* over.

Vash was looking at him again, the light from the moonlight through the motel-room curtains reflecting in those eyes of his. The blue shone, another small comfort, making him look nearly ethereal- maybe Nicholas should have been more frightened of the sight. Of something alien-looking crouched over him. Instead, all he could feel in the comfort of Vash's stare was that *tar*...

Vash merely stared for a long moment, blonde hair tussled from their playful fighting earlier, before they'd decided to try *this*. His expression was hard to decipher- it was something thoughtful, maybe a bit hesistant, but all Nicholas could really gather from it was that they were about to start.

But...

Well, Vash didn't move forward.

He didn't press further. He didn't move those damn hands of his any more downward.

Instead, he got that set to his brow again, that small tightening of his lips that Nicholas knew too well that showed Vash had decided on something.

And... then he backed off.

Slowly, but methodically, he eased off of Nicholas, lifting himself up and then moving to the side. Nicholas *felt* the breath leave his body, felt the way tension bled out of him at no longer having the threat of consumation pining him down. Vash had simply laid down beside Nicholas, on his back and facing the cieling, his hands moving to rest on his chest. His eyes trailed the cieling above them, and Nicolas couldn't bring himself to do much other than the same.

The nauseous feeling was still there, but it had stopped growing, lying dormant for a quiet moment as uncertainty seasoned it. Vash had stopped suddenly, and as relieving as it was... it also confused Nicholas.

"... Spikey?" He found himself asking a moment later, his voice quiet, matching the atomsphere. "Why...?"

He couldn't finish the question, but Vash got it. He looked over at Nicholas, that decietfully calm expression to his face, something sad, something firm.

"I don't think..."

His eyes moved back to the ceiling. Hiding.

"I don't think I wanted it."

There was a cold pang in his chest. Like a vice grip that had suddenly wrapped around it, a trap waiting to spike.

"You don't want this?" Nicholas internally cursed the way his voice sounded so vulnerable at that. Especially since, in response, that cool demeanor left Vash's expression, the blonde's eyes widening. His words were quick, awkward but assuring.

"No! I mean yes. I mean-" He huffed in frustration at his lack of coherency, his hand moving to rub his brow. Not looking at him, Vash murmured, "Yes, I want this. But I don't think I wanted... that. Sex. And..."

Vash paused, then, in a quieter voice, added, "And it looked like... like you didn't want it either."

...Nicholas didn't quite know how to respond to that.

His first instinct was, as usual, to deny. Deny anything and everything thrown at him, deflecting it with a quick word, but... well, Vash was right. Nicholas hadn't wanted it.

But... he wanted Vash, also.

How frustrating.

Nicholas simply moved to just stare at the ceiling again. It was easier than staring at Vash- who had apparentally decided to follow suit again and do the same.

He found himself talking again, after a moment. Words he should've kept to himself, in his mind, but couldn't help but admit in the quiet bubble formed around them. Fuck it, Vash had nearly fucked him, they already had some walls down, might as well talk.

"...That's what we're supposed to do."

Vash frowned a little, quietly contemplative.

"...Do we have to?" It tilted up at the end, an actual question. One Nicholas thought he had an answer for.

"Everyone else does." A weak one, anyways. This only elicited a sigh from Vash.

The blonde shifted a little, still not facing towards the priest, but his shoulder did brush Nicholas's. In a quieter voice, something vulnerable tinging it, he murmured, "Do we have to do what everyone else does? We're already..."

...He didn't have to finish the thought. *We're already weird. We're already not like everyone else.*

...Still.

"...I don't think I wanted it either." Nicholas quietly affirmed, feeling that weird buzzing in his chest again, the way it always got when he hadn't wanted to admit something. But, well, Vash had already caught it, so...

Vash merely nodded.

"So, then..." He murmured a little awkward. His thumb started lightly tracing over the rings on his prostethic, spinning the attached things in a nervous gesture. This was, admittedly, unfamiliar territory for either of them. "Let's... not. Do it, I mean."

...Nicholas elbowed him.

"You're really great with words, you know that?" He grumbled, eliciting a tiny smile from Vash. It's like the motion had broken a bit of that tension, finally allowing a softer expression out of the blonde. Shifting, he eased over onto his side, his nose close to touching Nicholas's shoulder.

"I'm trying to negotiate here!" He whined back, and Nicholas would have elbowed him again just for the sake of doing so if it wasn't going to hurt Vash's nose. A moment later, Vash added, his voice a bit softer, yet still lighter, "But- why'd you let us get this far if you didn't want it to begin with?"

That was a trickier question. Not in that it had a complicated answer, but Nicholas felt a little awkward about it, now.

"...Thought you wanted it," He very pointedly looked away. He did catch sight of the way Vash frowned again, though.

"You were going force yourself for me?" He sounded a little firmer. Like he wasn't happy at all about that answer. "Wolfwood..."

"You were about to do the same."

"Yeah, but-"

Nicholas did elbow him again, causing Vash to jump with a small yelp. "Shut up, if it's wrong for me to force myself, then it is for you too."